MaryFricking Sue 2: This Time It's Not MFS 1!
by Ice Raider
Summary: You wanted more, you got more! A beautiful fairy changeling, Mary Sue, adopted sister of Mary Sue, is out to find the truth about her sister's death! She can summon a mythical giant maggot!! Along the way she happens to fall in love with Artemis Fowl!!!!
1. In Which We Meet Today's Mary Sue!

Mary-Fricking-Sue 2: This Time It's Not Mary Fricking Sue 1!!!  
  
A fairy changeling, Mary Sue, sister of Mary Sue, is in search of the truth regarding her sister's death. She has something Artemis wants. MAGGOTITE!  
  
Hello! I am Ice Raider, also known as Venom, and I am writing this with my little bro, Horus, previously known as Raziel! This is a sequel to Mary Fricking Sue. In this story the Mary Sue and Artemis have one of those cutesy friend relationships!  
  
You may notice that Mary Sue's name is now two names longer! This is because this is a different Mary Sue. Maybe you recognise my character's name in her name, and maybe you see your own character in her. If your character is similar to Mary Sue, rewrite your story. If your character's name is part of MS's name, you should definitely rewrite!  
  
Don't ban us. If you write crap Mary Sues you need to learn to write.  
  
Chapter One: In Which We Meet Today's Mary Sue Mary Sue Jada Claudette Tara Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman sighed and flicked her black hair back from her dark eyes, set on a pretty Asian face.  
  
She opened up her mailbox and pulled out a single letter. From Majestic 12. She cracked it open and read, tears pouring down her face like piss off a roof.  
  
Mary Sue Jada Claudette Tara Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman was the adopted sister of Mary Sue Jada Marina Aurora Evelyn Mara Alanna Melody (Insert Other Exotic Names Here) Longman.  
  
She was adopted because she was a fairy changeling. She had an IQ the same as her sister's and was very beautiful! Her most prized possession was a blue amulet that let her summon the mystical creature:  
  
MAGGOTITE!!! A giant maggot with the power to rot buildings to pieces! But Maggotite never used his powers, he just slept calmly, until Mary Sue summoned him.  
  
Mary Sue stood up. She would find Artemis Fowl, and ask him for the truth. She had never trusted Majestic 12, using her super fairy powers she had mesmerised the Commander and he had told her everything, then he turned into a fish.  
  
Eight Hours Later  
  
Mary Sue landed in Dublin, Ireland. She smoothed down her dress over her slender frame and began to daintily tiptoe her way toward a taxi.  
  
Artemis Fowl scowled moodily. He was dressed immaculately in a suit, and was back to his evil old self, driving down the road, in Dublin.  
  
A car slammed into Mary Sue, throwing her tiny frame onto the road. "OH GOD!" Screamed Artemis, leaping out of his car, and rushing around in circles. Mary sue stood up shakily. "Oh, Artemis Fowl!"  
  
Artemis gasped, a silly grin overtaking his features, then he noticed the amulet hanging around the girl's neck. 


	2. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chapter Two: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Artemis glanced at the crystal. "OH MY GOD!! THE GREAT AMULET OF MAGGOTITE SUMMONING HOLY CRAPFRICK!!!"  
  
Mary Sue reached for the amulet. "Hello, I am Mary Sue, and I am, like perfect! She smiled at Artemis, fluttering her four-inch lashes. Artemis pointed at the amulet. "Will you show me Maggotite?"  
  
Mary Sue nodded. "If you tell me what happened to my sister."  
  
Artemis shrugged. "I was playing minesweeper the WHOLE time! I remember she wrecked my CDs, though."  
  
Mary Sue turned to Butler. "Do you know what happened to my sister?"  
  
Butler shook his head, also grinning like a loon, "Man, I had no idea. I was on drugs the whole time!" (That sounds better if you say it like this: I werz on dregz the whole time!)  
  
Mary Sue sighed. "Oh well, meet me on your manor grounds at midnight. I will show you the Maggotite.  
  
Just then a car came tearing down the street and slammed into Mary Sue, throwing her into the air, through the window of a cake shop and head first into a giant pavlova. "OH, MY GOD!" Screamed Artemis as he ran to help Mary Sue.  
  
She rolled out of the cake and hit the ground. The driver parked his car on a slight incline and rushed back to help Mary Sue, who was tottering around on the road.  
  
"OH MY GOD, ARE YOU ALRIGHT!"  
  
Mary Sue just made a little squeaking noise.  
  
Then the car moved. It began to roll backwards, toward Mary Sue. "DUCK AND COVER!" Yelled Butler. He, Artemis and the man dove off the road.  
  
"I don't see any ducks." Mary Sue said, then the car hit her. Once again she was thrown into the air while the car slammed through the cake shop window at high speed and exploded in a ball of flame.  
  
Mary Sue crash landed heavily on top of a huge pile of bananas. "OH MY GOSH!" Screamed Artemis as he and Butler ran to help Mary Sue. The driver stood, staring at his destroyed car. The cake shop owner stood, staring at his destroyed business. The fruit shop owner wiped liberal amounts of squashed banana off his face and stood staring at the pile of destroyed bananas, then all three of them turned to face Artemis, Butler, and the banana and pavlova covered Mary Sue.  
  
"AAGAGHAHAHAHAH!!!!" Screamed the three men as they grabbed whatever happened to be nearby, a plank, a pile of bananas and a car steering wheel, which had rolled into the street from the wreckage, and proceeded to charge at Artemis, Butler and Mary Sue.  
  
The three turned and ran screaming. Mary Sue ran into the road, and got hit by a semi trailer.  
  
Fortunately she was merely bounced off it, unfortunately it was the banana man who caught her. 


	3. In Which Mary Sue Is In Intensive Care

Chapter Three: In Which Mary Sue Is In Intensive Care  
  
Mary Sue was lying in bed, a drip feeding her liquids through her mouth, when Artemis came to visit. Butler wandered off to find a toilet.  
  
While Artemis cried and hugged Mary Sue, Butler found a tank full of yellow liquid. It was just a small tank, around the corner from where Mary Sue was, pipes leading off it around the corner, and complicated valves on it.  
  
Butler made sure no one was looking, and did what he had to do.  
  
Mary Sue lay in bed, the yellow liquid antibiotics seething through the pipe, Artemis next to her, crying. Suddenly she leapt out of bed, spat the pipe out, screamed loudly and began rolling around on the floor, wiping her mouth with the bed sheet, still screaming.  
  
Butler came back around the corner, zipping his trousers up. Artemis screamed and fell to the ground to help Mary Sue. Butler stared around. "What?"  
  
"BUTLER! YOU TWITWIT!" Screamed Artemis. Butler stuck out his tongue. "Well, I am so sorry, Master poo poo."  
  
"Butler." Said Artemis slowly. "Did you eat anything, any pills, perhaps? That you found lying around?" As a matter of fact, I did." Said Butler, as his skin began to turn purple.  
  
Just then a male nurse turned the corner, pushing a heavily laden trolley. "I'M GAY!" Screamed Butler and he began chasing the nurse.  
  
"Note to myself." Said Artemis into a small minidisk recorder. "Keep Butler away from all substances that could have a narcotic effect on him. Yesterday he thought he was a monkey."  
  
The nurse screamed as Butler chased him, yelling "I'M A GAY MONKEY!" At the top of his voice. Artemis sighed.  
  
Mary Sue was now lying, exhausted, on her stomach on the floor The nurse ploughed down the aisle on a direct path toward Mary Sue, seemingly unaware of her presence on the floor in front of his trolley. . Mary Sue screamed, the trolley ran over her, the nurse stepped on her and Butler stepped on her. The thoroughly squashed Mary Sue issued a tiny gargling sound before the process was repeated.  
  
She slowly stood up. The next time the two came round she would mesmerise them, tell them to stop. Unfortunately, Mary Sue had been run over and stepped on twice, and could barely stand. She tried to do it, but the nurse was wearing sunglasses and Butler's face was obscured by the nurse's ridiculous hair do.  
  
The trolley hit her and she was catapulted into the air, and onto a pile of hypodermic needles on the top tray of the trolley. "HOLY CRAPFRICK!" She exclaimed as she yanked a needle out of her butt. The nurse started yelling. "GANGWAY!" Mary Sue gripped the edges of the trolley as tightly as she could, then, with a jolt she realised the nurse wasn't going to turn around.  
  
Ahead of the trolley was a plate glass window, and beyond that, air, fifty seven and one third stories up.  
  
Mary Sue screamed. The nurse stuck his head around hers and screamed, Butler stuck his head around the nurse's and yelled "GOODY!" The nurse planted his feet, but it wasn't enough. The trolley smashed through the plate glass and fell, down, down, down, Butler and the nurse leapt onto the trolley, Mary Sue gripped it, the nurse gripped Mary Sue's dress, and Butler gripped the nurse's hair. Two of the people were screaming. The other was yelling "GOODY!" As loud as he could.  
  
Bob Joe, the cake shop man was placing a new pavlova in the window display of his new shop. He grinned. Good thing he'd had insurance against vehicle damage!  
  
He looked up into the sky, and his smile slowly disappeared. He screamed and ran, then turned, screamed and ran back to the pavlova. He unlocked the sliding window, then looked up into the sky again. You may be thinking, why is this man screaming? Well, you'd be screaming too if a hospital trolley loaded with three people was falling at you.  
  
The trolley hit the man, flipping him up onto it, and onto the needles. He screamed, the trolley crashed through the window, through the pavlova, leaving a huge, trolley/Butler shaped hole in the delicate dessert. Then the trolley and its pavlova covered occupants hit the ground, and slammed into a huge industrial fridge. The fridge sparked once, and exploded. The force did not kill the people, because then the story would end here.  
  
No, the explosion blew them out onto the sloped street. The trolley began to roll down the street at high speed. The cake shop man yanked a needle out of his butt. The trolley ploughed on toward a familiar fruit stand where a familiar man was putting a new pile of bananas in place. He screamed and began to stuff fruit down his shirt. The trolley hit him and he was bounced up on top of Butler's head, where he tried to grip the Eurasian's bald dome, failed, and fell onto the needles.  
  
Meanwhile, just down the street, a familiar and angry man was fixing a blown tire on his bicycle. He was on his way to buy a new car. He looked up, and did not scream, did not move, for when a trolley loaded with four people, all of them covered in squashed bananas and pavlova, one of them purple, seven feet high and screaming "I'M A GAY TOENAIL!" is ploughing at you, you're really at a loss for words.  
  
The trolley hit him, he was flipped up onto the needles and his bike was thrown into the path of a tram. Suddenly all the occupants of the trolley looked up and screamed, except for Butler, who yelled something about being a gay beer can.  
  
The trolley was on a direct collision course for the rear end of a semi trailer loaded with chickens.  
  
Butler applied some stolen lipstick, the trolley hit a huge bump, the lipstick went all over Butler's face, and the trolley was launched into the air, up, up, up, over the gate on the back of the truck, and into the back. The trolley hit ground, causing chickens to flee, the wheels broke off , the trays collapsed and the entire frame split apart at the welds, creating a mess of twisted metal. Butler grabbed the nurse and began kissing him while the chickens began to peck at Mary Sue and pull bits of her hair out.  
  
Artemis drove his car up beside the truck and pulled the drive over just as a chicken ripped one of Butler's nose hairs out. "YEOUCHIES!" Screamed Butler. He leapt into the air and came down on top of a chicken. The chicken gave a weak gargle and bit Butler's butt.  
  
Artemis and Butler drove Mary Sue back to her hotel apartment where Artemis gave her a tiny peck on the cheek and they left. 


	4. Crap Happens

Chapter Four: Crap Happens A/N: Okay, a few of you have said that I sound like Strong Bad from Homestar runner. Firstly I check out that site every week and have watched every movie. Secondly, why do you say that? Thirdly, this chapter we have a couple of guest stars! No prizes guessing.  
  
If you don't know Strong Bad and all his buddies, go here: e wall and out onto the street Mary Sue was tossed up against the huge radiator, where G-Forces and wind kept her there, flattened out against the metal, cartoon style.  
  
Strong Bad swore and he and The Cheat leapt back into their balloon. "I WILL KILL AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR KIND, MARY SUE!" He cried as they took off. And he would, but that is a different story.  
  
"NOOOOO!" Screamed Artemis as Mary Sue screamed again, still flattened against the radiator and hanging onto the car's bonnet symbol as hard as she could. Artemis flung open his door and leapt onto the bonnet. Butler swallowed an entire cup of suspicious white powder and took the wheel.  
  
Artemis wondered briefly about the powder as he climbed along the bonnet. Butler stepped on the accelerator and swung the car left, right onto a train track.  
  
Artemis grabbed the car symbol too. The Rolls Royce lady creaked a little as the base began to snap.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" Cried Artemis. "ROLLS ROYCE LADY!!!" He let go of the figurine, and in that instant several things happened. The symbol snapped off and flew right into Mary Sue's mouth. "FMCHUHK!!!" Yelled Mary Sue. There are several theories as to what she meant to say, most of which you can work out by studying her above speech, however none of these theories can be printed here.  
  
Artemis did a huge fart and his gut deflated, Butler screamed something about being a gay footpath, and a train slammed into the back of the Rolls.  
  
'OMHNTYO!" Screamed Mary Sue. The Rolls Lady slipped a little further down Mary Sue's throat. Now, having the head of this figurine down her throat produced the same reaction as if she had had her fingers down her throat. Not pretty. Mary Sue spewed over herself and projectile vomited the figurine and six undigested weatbix into Artemis' face.  
  
The Rolls Lady slipped into Artemis's lap, did a short lap dance, and jumped off the car into the mouth of a grazing cow. The cow projectile puked half a tonne of grass and the figure at a dog, which caught the figurine in its mouth, and projectile puked an entire frozen chicken at the train.  
  
The chicken flew over the cargo train's trays and through the back of the cabin. It clipped the driver with one of its wings, knocking him through the windscreen and onto the Bentley roof, and then, like a cruise missile, the chicken slammed, beak first, into the control panel. Electricity arced everywhere. Mary Sue screamed.  
  
A bolt of electricity flew from the panel through the air right above Mary Sue's head. Unfortunately her hair was blown up into the wind, and the electric shock set it on fire.  
  
"AAAGH!!!" Screamed Mary Sue as she slammed her head into the pile of vomit on the bonnet of the Bentley. She rose her head, causing Artemis to freeze in shock. Her face was covered in puke, save for her eyes, and her once beautiful hair now stood up in all different directions, tiny flames flickering on the ends of strands, as if she'd stuck a fork in a toaster while gripping both items.  
  
Artemis un-petrified and fell over sideways, knocking the driver off the car and into a large pile of horse manure by the side of the road.  
  
Artemis regained his composure and Mary Sue screamed. The train swung left onto a derelict piece of track. It smashed through several wooden barriers, and into a small railway car, which was loaded with cans of paint. A can of particularly red paint flipped off the crushed trolley, and onto Mary Sue's head.  
  
The train began to accelerate, rocking from side to side as Mary Sue yanked the tin off her head and wiped the paint away from her eyes.  
  
Suddenly the train control panel caught on fire. The flames roasted the chicken and Butler leapt out onto the car roof. He grabbed the chicken from the train and swallowed it whole. "TASTY!!!!" "Eeewgh." Said Mary Sue before she fainted. "NOOOOO!" Screamed Artemis.  
  
Suddenly the train ploughed through another barrier, revealing.  
  
"A HUGE BOTTOMLESS PIT!" Screamed Artemis. He began to kiss Mary Sue over and over again, trying to wake her up. Then Butler vomited the chicken's intestines onto her face.  
  
"AAAAAAGHHHHH!" Screamed Mary Sue as she leapt to her feet, flinging the intestines away. "AAAGH AghA AHAHAHAH!" Artemis grabbed her arm, Butler grabbed her hair, and his jacket cuffs caught on fire from the tiny flames on her hair. He frantically blew them out as the three of them leapt off the car and into a pile of hay which a large horse was grazing from.  
  
The train and car roared over the bottomless pit and into the nearby fairy fort. "DAMN FAERIES!" Screamed Artemis. "THE PIT WAS JUST A HOLOGRAM ALL ALONG!"  
  
Suddenly Mary Sue screamed again, and the last thing she saw before blacking out was a huge clump of horse manure dropping down toward her face, and the ass of a very angry horse. 


	5. Who You Gonna Call?

Chapter Five: And Who You Gonna Call? A/N: Just a question, do you think characters from other books/movies/games should make appearances, or is it stupid? Is the Butler on drugs thing getting a bit much?  
  
Mary Sue lay in one of Fowl manor's many baths. This was her fifth bath, the first four having turned a murky grey-green colour in seconds. The vomit, chicken intestines, manure and most of the paint had been cleaned off, leaving only a few tinges of the offending decorative liquid on her face. A plate of caviar and a warm Milo sat on the table next to the bath. All in all Mary Sue was comfortable.  
  
Butler snuck down to the under works of Fowl Manor. The place where all the plumbing and electrics for Fowl manor were. If anyone wanted to sabotage Fowl manor, this would be the place to do it. Butler smirked. Artemis had confiscated all his drugs. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, ecstasy, barbiturates, LSD's, everything. But there was one place Artemis hadn't looked.  
  
Butler dropped his daks, squatted down and did what he had to do. After several seconds he wiped his backside with his hand, pulled his trousers up and began to sift through his crap.  
  
There, right in the middle of it all was a tiny steel box. Butler did a little victory dance and cracked the box open. A small pile of white powder fell out and onto the ground. Forty thousand dollars worth of heroin.  
  
Butler had spent over two billion dollars on drugs in the past year. He hoped Artemis didn't figure it out.  
  
Suddenly someone several floors above Butler screamed. Obviously Artemis had figured it out.  
  
Butler bent down and scooped up a mouthful of dirt and white powder from the floor in his mouth. "WOOHOO!" He screamed and began to dance, singing all the while. "COCO JUMBO!"  
  
"BUTLER!" Screamed Artemis as he flung open the under works door, a gun in his hand, rage in his eyes.  
  
Butler screamed and ran. Artemis gave a war cry and chased him. Butler glanced behind him, and ran head first into a wall. The gargantuan manservant fell backwards, an electricity cable in his teeth. He released it just as it snapped.  
  
The heavy, exposed cable swung sideways and hit a large steel box full of gold. The box fell down onto a water pipe, the cable caught in its latch, then, with an ominous thud, the box and the cable hit the huge mains water pipe, cracking a tiny hole in it.  
  
"Shit." Said Artemis.  
  
Electricity seared through the steel pipe, and as you know, dear reader, electricity and water don't go well together. The electrified liquid flew up every pipe it could, turning kitchen taps into lethal weapons, and bathtubs into death traps.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Screamed Mary Sue as she leapt into the air, through the bathroom ceiling, and came crashing down on top of a grand piano, electricity searing through her body. She tried to stand, but her legs gave way, her muscles twitching regardless of what she tried to do. One of her arms flew back and whacked her in the nose.  
  
The smashed piano began to play the Funeral March out of tune, but for its own Funeral, not Mary Sue's, because, ever wonderful reader, the author has a far more, um, interesting death planned for Mary Sue.  
  
Mary Sue's arms stopped twitching and she stood up, her hair blackened, and, once again, on fire. The door burst open and Artemis and Butler ran in. Butler kept on running, into Mary Sue, knocking her down, then, with one final "YAY!" he plummeted out a plate glass window. "WOOOOOHOOOO! I'M SKY DIVI-AGH!" He cried, cut short by a sickening crunch. Artemis winced. "Oh well, maybe I can sell his body to science and get some of the two billion back.  
  
Mary Sue sighed and fell backwards, out the broken window.  
  
"MAAAAARRRRRYYYYYYY SUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!" Screamed Artemis as he ran down four hundred flights of stairs and out the door of Fowl manor, just as Mary Sue crash landed on top of the amazingly-still-alive Butler, who had crash landed on the bonnet of the Bentley. Angeline and Artemis Senior were gardening and hadn't noticed this incident.  
  
The Bentley creaked and its wheels fell off, the panels snapped, the roof caved in, the windows exploded outwards and the doors flew off. One of them hit Artemis Senior in the head. He continued to garden, apparently unaware that he should be unconscious.  
  
Mary Sue groaned and rolled off the car, and onto the flower bed that the senior Fowls were gardening at.  
  
"NOOOO! MY RHODODENDCHRYSNAROSEMUMS!" Screamed Angeline, who had become quite a geneticist, and had created several new species of plant. "GET HER RHODODENDCHRYSNAROSEMUMS!" She yelled.  
  
The plant Mary Sue had landed on tossed her onto the driveway and began to shoot spikes at her butt. Mary Sue fainted and Butler rolled off the car and squashed the plant. It began to turn a bright red colour and started shooting thorns everywhere.  
  
Butler, Artemis, Angeline and Artemis Senior overturned one of those crappy plastic garden tables and hid behind it. Butler drew his Sig Sauer and fired wildly over the top of the table. Several panes of glass broke, a cat gave a loud 'miaow!', and someone yelled "OUCH!", but the plant kept on shooting.  
  
It span around and fired a volley of thorns at the Bentley. The spikes slammed into the vehicle fuel tank and a stream of fuel began to leak out.  
  
Mary Sue got to her feet and began to totter around the drive, magically being missed by the thorns. Butler raised his gun and began to shoot again. One of the bullets hit the puddle of fuel.  
  
The fuel exploded, burning out the car's interior and throwing it into the air and toward.  
  
"AAAAAAAGHHHHHHH" Screamed Mary Sue as the shell of the car slammed into her. The momentum kept it going until Mary Sue slammed into the stone wall of Fowl manor. Mary Sue was nearly squashed flat, like the meat in the sandwich. With bread so hard it had to be a century old. The Bentley flipped over backwards, Mary Sue slammed, cartoon style to its underside, then, with one last groan it flipped over until it was sitting the right way up, and only two bruised and cut arms, protruding from under the car shell, could be seen of Mary Sue.  
  
"DUCK AND COVER!" Said Butler with great zeal, and far too late. 


	6. Chapter Six: In Which mary Sue Is In Int...

Chapter 6: In Which Mary Sue Is In Intensive Care. Again. A/N: HEY! MYSTICANGEL4!!! Just a note to a reviewer, MysticAngel4, you said something about Mary Sue getting squashed guts and broken bones? Well this might just be your chapter.  
  
"How is she, doctor!?" Asked Artemis, terror in his voice as he stood outside Mary Sue's private intensive care room.  
  
"Well." droned the doctor."Broken bones, squashed guts, electrified. Now I've heard of rough sex, but honestly."  
  
Artemis looked appalled. "DOCTOR! I AM ONLY SIXTEEN FOR GOD'S SAKE!"  
  
"Hmmm." Droned the Doctor, seemingly unconvinced. Butler punched him in the face. The unfortunate doctor flew back into a wheelchair, which began to roll down the hallway. It slammed through a wooden door and the doctor screamed as the chair smashed through a steel hand railing and flew off a set of steps and down several stories.  
  
"Oh, Shit." Said Artemis. "That reminds me. We forgot to lock the house when we left."  
  
He pulled a PDA out of his pocket and tapped a few buttons. An image of Fowl manor appeared on the screen. "Lock." Said Artemis. Plates of steel slammed down over the house, completely encasing it. "Locked." Said the PDA.  
  
"Butler", said Artemis, "did you ring the power company and tell them to shut off our power?"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Good. And The Water company? The water pressure really pushed the leak open, it's as big as your fist now."  
  
Butler looked at Artemis strangely. "Water company?"  
  
Artemis gulped. "Locked house. Airtight. Hole the size of fist. Half An Hour's Drive Away."  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Screamed Butler. "MAN YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA BE PISSED WHEN THEY GET BACK FROM SOUTHERN ITALY!!! THE HOUSE IS GONNA BE COMPLETELY FLOODED!!!!!!!!"  
  
Artemis yanked out his PDA and began hurriedly pressing buttons. "Press 'A' to remove the metal casing from Fowl manor." Said the PDA.  
  
Artemis reached for the A key.  
  
The doctor grabbed the edge of the stair well as the wheelchair plummeted down below him. The Fowl kid was talking to his manservant. The doctor pulled himself up and flung open a huge walk in cupboard. Inside was a ride on carpet cleaning machine, glistening in the artificial light, a picture of a germ with a cross over it on the black plastic steering wheel.  
  
The manservant was yelling now. The doctor mounted the carpet cleaner and twisted the ignition key. Artemis yanked out his PDA. 'Press A', claimed the computer. The doctor accelerated.  
  
Artemis placed his finger on the A key and hesitated to breathe a sigh of relief. This could have been worse. Much worse.  
  
Suddenly Butler screamed and tried to run away, but much like Shaggy and Scooby in the Scooby Doo cartoons, he was stuck to the spot for a few seconds, his legs flailing uselessly.  
  
Artemis looked up. "Oh My God."  
  
The carpet cleaner hit Artemis and Butler, throwing them up onto the bonnet. The machine groaned slightly as Butler landed, but kept going. The Doctor laughed manically as he ploughed toward the hospital beds.  
  
Mary Sue sat up in bed and pulled the drips out of her mouth. She was feeling better. Re energised. She turned to smile at Artemis and screamed.  
  
The cleaner hit her and bounced her up onto Artemis' lap. The Doctor continued to laugh evilly. "WHO'S IN CHARGE NOW, FOWL BOY!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
Butler punched the doctor and he flew out of the cleaner seat, head first through a window, across the street, through a window in the building opposite, hit the floor and came skidding past a photographer and right between the legs of a model wearing the latest mini skirt. "Oooh." Said the doctor. "Frilly underpants."  
  
The model screamed. The photographer snapped a few shots to sell to a local paper, and then screamed as well. "SECURITY!! SECURITY!! HELP, SECURITY!!!"  
  
Unfortunately, her cry was so loud it not only brought a muscle bound man from the basement of the modelling agency to throw the doctor out the window, it also brought a team of heavily armed men running from the basement of the hospital.  
  
The men aimed their guns at Butler (who was now driving the cleaner), Artemis and Mary Sue. "FREEZE!!!" Butler took his hands off the wheel and the cleaner slammed into a bed and stopped. Suddenly an itch developed on Mary Sue's nose. She longed to scratch it. She had to. She reached for it.  
  
"SHE MOVED! FIRE!!!!" Bullets slammed into the side of the electric cleaner, breaking wires and shorting out the engine. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Artemis, Butler and Mary Sue as the cleaner flew backwards at top speed. It slammed into the men, throwing them in different directions, and stopped dead. Then, without warning, the cleaner began to spin around and around, in a continual reverse three sixty.  
  
"REGH!" Butler vomited, leaning forward a little. The grey-green mixture of what looked like half digested dog biscuits slammed into Mary Sue's face. The cleaner hit a table and a single huge, purple pill flew through the air, and into Butler's mouth.  
  
"NOT MORE DRUGS!" Yelled Artemis. "WOOHOO!" Cried Butler. He stood up, unzipped his trousers, and took a piss.  
  
"AAAAGHHHH!" Choked Mary Sue as the yellow liquid shot down her throat. "MMMAAAARRRRRYYYYYY SSSSSUUUUUUEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Screamed Artemis. He clambered toward her. The cleaner stopped rotating and shot forward at top speed. Butler continued to piss on the carpet.  
  
"YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT MUCH PISS IN YOU!" Screamed Artemis. Mary Sue just screamed. She lifted her hands off the cleaner to wipe her mouth, and it stopped.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Cried Mary Sue as the momentum from the cleaner threw her forward into a pile of empty boxes.  
  
"Initiating heavy duty cleaning process." Said the cleaner. A large bag ballooned out the back and a vacuum pipe big enough to suck up a person ejected from the front.  
  
The pipe span around madly, sucking up sheets from beds and the contents of bedpans. "Eeeew." Said Artemis. "That stinks."  
  
The cleaner turned to face Mary Sue. The pipe reached toward her, its power ever increasing, and then. "AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!" She was sucked up the pipe and thrown into the bag. "MMMMMMAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!!!!" Cried Artemis. "GROSS!" Yelled Mary Sue from inside the bag. "WHAT IS THIS STUFF!" Suddenly she fell quiet for a minute, then said. "Wait, don't even tell me. I don't want to know."  
  
Butler gulped and tapped Artemis, who was trying to rip the bag open, on the shoulder. Artemis turned and gasped.  
  
The pipe had latched onto the wall, right next to a huge window.  
  
The pipe sucked on the steel wall, and began to retract. The power was too great. The suction pulling the pipe toward the wall, the malfunctioning cleaner pulling it back. The suction won.  
  
The retraction engine emitted a few sparks and the cleaner began to zoom toward the window, being pulled by the forces of the suction and the motor, sort of like a car winch.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Artemis and Butler. "EEEEEWWWWW!!!" Said Mary Sue. Then, with one last. "AAA!!" The cleaner burst through the window and fell down, slowed only by the pipe. Then the pipe broke off.  
  
The cleaner hit the ground, the hole where the pipe used to be emitting a great howling noise as it sucked in everything in its range.  
  
Four pedestrians, a dog, the dog's droppings and a bicycle zoomed into the hole.  
  
"WE'VE GOT TO STOP IT OR IT'LL SUCK UP THE WHOLE WORLD!!!" Screamed Artemis as a footpath hotdog trolley was sucked in, causing the bag to bulge.  
  
"I'LL STOP IT!!" Cried Butler as a small house was sucked in.  
  
The courageous manservant leapt down onto the footpath in front of the cleaner. Artemis slammed his hand onto his forehead in exasperation as Butler was sucked into the cleaner.  
  
"BUTLER!!" Screamed Artemis as a car was sucked in. "CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!"  
  
"YHMEHMSHM!" Yelled Butler in a muffled voice. "OUCH!" Cried Mary Sue as a truck carrying angry bull cattle was sucked in.  
  
"AMRMTMEMMISM!!!"" Said Butler. "MARY SUE.TRUCK.BROKEN BONES!!!"  
  
"MMMMAAAAARRRRYYYY SSUUUUEEEE!!!!!" Cried Artemis as a sky scraper and two rubbish trucks were sucked in, causing the enormous bag to bulge even higher.  
  
The bag was now taller than every other building in the whole country of Ireland. Any more and it would go out of the earth's atmosphere.  
  
"This is Flight 737 requesting landing permission in an Apache helicopter." Said Bob Joe, who you may remember as a cake shop owner. After his cake shop had been destroyed a second time he had got a job as a pilot for the Irish army. It was just what he'd always wanted to do.  
  
"What is that???" He said in awe. A giant brown bag was stretching up, level with his helicopter.  
  
It was bulging enormously and muffled noises seemed to be coming from inside. He moved closer. The rotors caught on the bag and dug into it. 'SHIT!!" He exclaimed, pulling the helicopter away, but it was too late.  
  
The bag exploded, showering the helicopter with rubbish and pieces of junk, and throwing a skyscraper, four houses, several vehicles and around fifty people to the ground.  
  
Mary Sue landed on Artemis' lap, followed by Butler, who landed on her lap."  
  
"Eeep." Said Mary Sue. "Eeep." Said Artemis as they fell off the cleaner and onto the ground as a shower of rubbish and human excretion rained down on them.  
  
The cleaner began to spin round and round so fast it was a blur, blue sparks shot from the engine, it began to make odd popping noises, and then, with one last shower of sparks that set Mary Sue's hair on fire, it exploded. 


End file.
